As the Client Relationship Manager at Agape Match, part of my responsibilities are to collect the dating feedback after our dates go on their first dates. I even collect the dating feedback from our clients before they become clients! I want to learn what’s not working and why.
We’re lucky to have most of our dates go one second dates and third dates (because our matchmaking rules!), but sometimes, it just doesn’t work out with that particular individual. It’s dating. It happens! Usually, our matches will cite “no long term chemistry”, and that’s fair. Sometimes, however, you’ll receive feedback that has self-sabotage written all over it!
While I am unable to collect the feedback after each of your dates, dear reader, there is one important thing I have learned: If one person says it, it’s an opinion. If multiple people say it, it’s fact. If you’re last 3 first dates didn’t result in a second date, it just might be you!
“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” -Albert Einstein
Below are the some of the most frequent reasons I have heard why a dater was no longer interested in a second date:
1) You ask too many questions… un-organically.
“A lot of times during our date I felt like I was being interviewed. I certainly understand that she wanted to know more about me, however it felt like she was going through a mental list of checkboxes.” This is a mistake that even the most experienced daters are guilty of! Women feel that they need to extract information from their date as soon as possible, so they can decide fast– is he a yes or a no? Men typically can sense that rush and they get irritated by the “closer” attitude that a woman brings, as if she is negotiating a business deal. Avoid monopolizing the conversation during your date. Let the gentleman lead towards wherever he thinks is natural. Forget about the agenda for one just night!
2) You bad mouth previous partners during your date.
Not discussing about an ex-boyfriend is advice that every dating book, advice column, and common sense will suggest. On some level women know that this is a mistake, however, more often than not, they simply cannot resist. “She sounded like she had too much baggage from her previous relationship and that is something that I definitely don’t want to deal with. She kept talking about her ex, to the point that it took up most of the conversation. I was bored and, honestly, didn’t care.” If you are 100% sure that you are not guilty of this mistake, before you rush to dismiss this point, remember: talking about an ex can happen in very subtle ways without even mentioning the “ex” word once!
3) You drink alcohol before your date.
Your rambling monologues combined with a bunch of boring stories, will easily kill the mood for Mr. Potential. “At our first date she showed up tipsy. After two more drinks, I excused myself to the bathroom, and I came back to a “bar fight” that my date had started. It was the most embarrassing moment of my life,” a gentleman explained to us when asked why he decided to hire us as his matchmaker! If you are anxious about your date, do something that you know will help you loosen up your nerves, however will still help you maintain a clear judgement: yoga, a relaxing bath, some dancing in your living-room will helpfully keep you from turning into an intoxicated chatterbox. Avoid alcohol altogether! Even when you arrive at the restaurant, sip slowly and make sure that you are not taking the risk of drinking with an empty stomach or even worse right after you took your prescription drugs!
Or follow my boss’s advice: “TWO DRINK MAXIMUM!!!”
4) You make absolute statements too often.
If you are being very absolute about your opinions in life, you flat-out and volunteeringly admit to a guy that you are very inflexible. Statements like: “I would never…”, “I hate…” or “I will…”, (examples: “I hate cats.”, “I will only have one kid.”, “I would never date someone who eats meat.”) can irritate your date for the very simple reason that you are demonstrating that your opinions and attitudes leave very little room for the “we”. I have witnessed some startling things from my vantage point in the love business. Regardless of what you think or detest right now, for many practical and unforeseen reasons, the way you experience life will shift vigorously once you meet The One. You will have a lot of time to share your tastes and values about life with Mr. Right. Try to pace yourself and save those for the seventh or maybe even the twelfth date!
5) You hate your friends.
Men think that a woman’s friends speak volumes about who she is. For all he knows, “birds of a feather flock together”. The way you comment about your friends, your beliefs about them, and their behavioral anecdotes become synonymous with your personality very early in the discussion. A guy friend once told me about a lady he met online, “I don’t get it. We are adults and we get to choose our friends. Since she is friends with those people that she doesn’t like, she must be attracted to the drama that they produce. I really don’t find this attractive at all.” Your friends are an ecosystem of people that Mr. Potential is aware he will have deal with should a relationship flourish. He will ask himself, is this the kind of energy I can handle? More importantly, make sure that you do not present your friends as a circle of “man-hatters”, as a stable and secure man will never feel comfortable with that kind of a jury watching over him!