Everyone knows at least one person that lacks self-awareness. Someone that keeps repeating the same mistakes again and again and never seems to notice. A true Catch 22- Those lacking self awareness who may need help finding their way are the same people who likely aren’t aware that they need help!
The same holds true for singles. They are exhausted and overwhelmed trying to meet someone of quality. However, instead of focusing on how they can make themselves more appealing and attractive to other singles, they focus on what is wrong with everyone they meet.
Take it from a professional! If you are actively dating and find yourself repeating the same mistakes and experiences over and over, it’s not them… It’s you! You’ll need to learn how to become more self-aware of your limitations and the obstacles in your way on meeting your relationship goals. It’s not about meeting the one person you have your mind set on. This exercise is about finding the courage to explore the balance in likeability and open mindedness in your search for a “quality match” so that the person you are truly meant to be with isn’t accidently overlooked by match criteria that may not matter to your overall goal, which is most likely to enter a committed relationship that is happy, fun, and healthy.
Here is a cheat sheet on how you can address the issue I just described:
1) Reflect less and notice more.
If you really want to get to know yourself better, do it like a good researcher would: spend less time theorizing and more time collecting data to see patterns and trends. Some examples:
“After I ask a question about them, they seem to be more engaged in our conversation.”
“After I mentioned my ex-spouse on my date, the mood suddenly felt different.”
“When I started asking back to back questions, my date complained that this felt like an interview.”
So you’re starting to see clear trends in what you do and how it makes you feel. Awesome. The next thing you usually do is ask yourself why that happens.
And that’s a huge mistake, by the way…
2) Ask “What” not “Why”.
Asking “why” you do things or “why” things are happening to you is a bad idea. A loopy kind of thinking will make you depressed, and no-one will want to deal with your fixations. You will very likely coast on blaming others rather than fixing your (probably) newly found issues. When it comes to dating, a victim mentality will not help you in any way.
If you feel overwhelmed during or after a date, think of questions like “What’s going on?” or “What am I feeling right now?” or “What does is the other person looking for?” or “What’s another way to see this situation?” or “What can I do right now to influence what is happening?” Understanding the situation logically will always be your best bet.
3) Ask your friends for feedback about why they think you are single.
By now, you are probably wondering: “Who knows how I can change to seem more attractive?” The answer is actually simple: Pretty much everyone around you. All you need to do is find the courage in your heart, and then perhaps for the first time in your life you will be appreciative for that one person in your life who is super blunt. Receiving feedback will be transformative, but could also bring in some pain. Be prepared! Recognize that your friends are trying to help you.
4) Set specific goals.
If your problem is getting first dates, then your goal should be going on as many first dates as possible to practice. If your problem is getting second dates, then you should really try to start giving those who want to see you again a chance, regardless of “spark”.
Take some time to analyze the situation of every date. Which one of the two of you is not interested in a second date? Is it them or you? If you fall under the former, and you are a female you are in luck. There is a great book that could help you figure that out.
If it seems that you are the person rejecting people the one after the other, you are probably too picky and if you are proud to be picky then you are probably not really, really ready to be in a serious long-term relationship.
Dating takes courage. Successful dating is about giving opportunities to yourself to succeed, a clean and open mind about the person you are searching for, and the the self- awareness about your date’s experience.